1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. It’s called the stock market – *Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being
called Wal Mart Street- *Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker . *The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas
and an investment banker ? *A tie
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that *on the left side
nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
*6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t
fall for it – *Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite
candy bar -* Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama’s copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures. *Jay Leno*
9. President Obama’s response was to support some small business owners in
America. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and
Century 21. – *Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
checks is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. * I won’t know whether
that refers to mine or the bank’s.*
*NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
*CEO* –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
*CFO* — Corporate Fraud Officer.
*BULL MARKET* — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
*BEAR MARKET* — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry.
*VALUE INVESTING* — The art of buying low and selling lower.
*P/E RATIO* — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
*BROKER* — What my broker has made me.
*STANDARD & POOR* — Your life in a nutshell.
*STOCK ANALYST* — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
*STOCK SPLIT* — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
*FINANCIAL PLANNER* — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
*MARKET CORRECTION* — The day after you buy stocks.
*CASH FLOW*– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
*YAHOO* — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
*WINDOWS* — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.
*INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR* — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a
*PROFIT* — An archaic word no longer in use